Stimuland

I just returned from a trip to The Happiest Place on Earth; yes, that's right, I went to Disneyland! Or, as Beth calls it, "Stimuland."

I hadn't been in going on 20 years... but four of my favorite people were taking a trip, including a pair of six year old twin boys making their first visit, and seeing as I'm now an hour plane-ride away from Anaheim, I couldn't miss the opportunity.

First off, I'll just say that those guys are rakin' it in. I mean, jesus god. It costs $60 for a one day pass to either park (California Adventure opened in the 90's), or you can get into both parks for two days for $60 a day. And once you're inside, everything is dear; $10 burgers and fries. $20 hats and mouse ears. $12 pictures of you making your little kid face on Space Mountain. And it goes on like this...

That being said, I wouldn't have missed it. Not for all the bananas in a monkey-house. I hadn't seen my boys for almost a year, and I needed a fix. It was an utter joy to spend time with them. Just walking around the park in the sun, with one or the other of them on my shoulders, talkin' about life... those kids are some deep philosophers, lemme tell ya.

And their parents are okay too. Beth likes to tease Eric and I because we always "laugh like a couple of little girls" when we hang out. But we got Beth going pretty good a few times, too... we all amuse and entertain each other. I think that's about the best thing you can ask for in a friend.

The running gag of the trip involved a simple variation on the term "100% Angus Beef." Look at it again and I'm pretty sure you'll be able to figure it out. There's actually a standing bet among the three of us; whoever goes into a restaurant and says something to this effect will win: "Yes, I have been reading some articles about the best kind of beef being this so-called '100% anus beef'... tell me, do you use only anus beef in your hamburgers?"

You're free to use that one, by the way.

So on my way to the hotel to meet everyone, the driver had the "all 80s" station playing, and the Go-Gos came on. Oddly enough, one of the original L.A. punk rock bands... and I thought to myself, "self, if I could have only one band playing as I drove down a southern California freeway... it would be Jane's Addiction. But if I could have two bands playing... Jane's Addiction and Van Halen. But, self, if there were three, if I could have three... it would probably be the Doors. But four? Definitely Jane's, VH, the Doors, and the Go-Gos. Or maybe X." At this point some of you are undoubtedly wondering where Red Hot Chili Peppers fit on the list. Well. In my humble opinion, Red Hot Chili Peppers can eat a bowl of dicks. But maybe that's just me.

Since the boys were constantly asking for a detailed list of favorite to least favorite rides, here's my final count:

1. Mali-boomer (aka "The Vomit Comet"). This one is simple, straightforward, and elegant. No fuss, no muss. You sit down in the seat, your legs dangling; you lower the shoulder harness, which includes a sneeze-guard/vomit interceptor; you buckle a strap that goes from the seat to the shoulder harness; and then they shoot you straight up about 100 feet, and then drop you. At the top of the ride you experience a legitimate weightless moment. Gotta say, I love that moment. I think my next thing is gonna have to be bungee-jumping.

2. California Screamin'. The closest thing at either park to a real, bona-fide roller coaster. You go from 0-80 in about 2 seconds to start, there are a couple good drops, and a full loop-de-loop. Nice.

3. Space Mountain. 'Nuff said. The picture that B&E bought of the four of them on the ride is classic; it could be the ad campaign.

Pi: I have to add this one here, because it's a very special-case scenario and most likely never repeatable. This slot represents the trip all of us took together down the Grizzly River ride, which is a big circular raft you sit in and sometimes you get a little wet. On this one particular occasion, however, Beth got as wet as is humanly possible without actually jumping into a body of water. I mean, literally soaked to the bone. If you could have seen the expression on her face... the best part was, it got her once, and completely soaked half of her. And then, somehow, the water came over the top from the completely opposite direction and soaked the other half. And then there was a third immersion, just for good measure. Oh how we laughed. My goodness.

4. Soarin' Over California. Very cool immersive IMAX film that takes you... well, soaring over California. All the different areas of my new home state. This is the ride that includes the famed "smellivision."

5. That Muppet Show Thing. Don't remember what this one was called exactly, but it involved muppets. And it was in 3D. Now that I think of it, it might have been called "Muppets in 3D." Genius!

6. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Don't know how many of you remember this one with much detail, but you actually end up in hell. No effin' ess. The last scene in the ride is in hell. The devil is there, and he's laughing at you... and it's honest-to-god hotter in that part of the ride than it is in the other parts. Genuinely creepy.

7-15. All the other non-descript, non-offensive rides that didn't quite register on either end of the scale for me; these include Pirates of the Caribbean (they've added Capn. Jack in two places now, otherwise it's exactly the same); the Buzz Lightyear ride, which is just a moving video game where you shoot at targets w/ a low-range laser tag shooter; Thunder Mountain Railroad, the mini-roller coaster—I guess Banksy, the mysterious British guerrilla/graffiti artist, planted an inflatable sex doll dressed up like a Guantanamo inmate in this ride last fall. Needless to say, it would have shot to #1 on the list in that scenario.

16. Snow White. This one is blatant false advertising. Worse than "Stoner's Pot Palace," the garden statuary shop. You go into the ride, and you see Snow White... for a minute... and all the forest creatures love her... and from that point on it's all about the witch. Snow White literally NEVER makes another appearance. You think she shows up at the end? Wrong. The last scene is the dwarves chasing the witch up the cliff, and I think she tries to flatten them with a boulder... there's certainly no resolution at this point... and then you go through the last door and there's a big sign that says "And they lived happily ever after."

Seriously. WTF. That ride honestly offended me.

17. Indiana Jones and the Wrenched Back. The Disneyland folks seem to put their "bigger kid rides" into one of two categories: there are the ones that go fast around corners (Mountains Space and Thunder) and take you up high and drop you (Maliboomer, CA Screamin')... and then there are the ones that just jerk you around, start and stop quickly, etc. This one and the Twilight Zone Electrocution Elevator are the prime examples of this second type of ride. Needless to say, I am firmly in the camp of the first type. This one just left me feeling slightly queasy with a sore back and neck.

Here we are. The literal nadir of the trip. The bottom of the barrel. And who would've thought, after all that, it would end up being...

18. The Ferris Wheel.

This ain't no ordinary Ferris wheel though. This one has its cars on a big oval track, so when the wheel rotates the car swings back and forth. You actually end up facing almost straight down a few times. And you're not strapped in! This one made me the queasiest by far, and poor Beth almost lost her lunch completely. Here's the clue; this is the only ride that has barf bags. So obviously we aren't the only ones. This one received bonus negative points because we had to wait in line for an hour to get on it. Each car fits at least 6 people comfortably, but they weren't packing in people from different groups. Like, they didn't stick three groups of two in a single car; each group got their own car. And, since they have to load you in, move the wheel one click, load in the next group, etc... it takes inordinately longer for the line to move. On the one hand, I can understand; you don't want to be barfed on by someone you don't know. On the other hand, this ride was 100% anus beef certified. The worst part was that they made you go around twice; once to load up the ride, and then one full turn for good measure. So you've made it through the whole rotation and chewed it back... and then it doesn't stop. It's like the last scene in Mr. Toad.

Final thought: watch for Eric's upcoming guide book to Disneyland. He's working hard to create an algorithm that will plot the relative benefits of each ride... only taking into account the length of time you have to wait. So, for instance, Space Mountain is a solid 94 if you don't have to wait more than five minutes... but it sinks about ten points with each additional 15 minutes you have to wait. If you have to wait an hour, you're suddenly looking at a D+ ride. It's a concept whose time has come, I believe.