#2 pencil

I have an interesting dilemma at work. Like most males, I have a block about going to the bathroom in unknown places. Well, by going to the bathroom I mean going "number 2," of course. One of the biggest ways men and women differ is the places they're comfortable going to the bathroom. A guy will go pee anywhere, anytime. He'll whiz out of a moving car window in the middle of traffic if the weather is reasonable. But he's very particular about where he will poop. Now, I'm not one of those guys who will only go in my own bathroom... but I definitely prefer it to anywhere else. I'll go at work without qualms now, and I can go in public if the need arises. But given the choice I'll definitely wait until I get home. In my experience, women are able to go in pretty much any clean public restroom. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that they have to sit down even if they're just going pee; the practical mechanics of #1 vs. #2 are not nearly so different for women. For men it couldn't be any more different. Seriously; how many women do you know who would pee in a drinking fountain if there was a long line at the restroom?

You should probably pretend you didn't just read that.

In any case. Another difference in the scatological adventures of men and women involves the two D's: duration and distraction. The two are intimately connected: a man needs something to distract him while he's going, and this generally leads to longer "visits." Women are in and out, quick as a stinky fox... but of course they use about 10x as much toilet paper as men. While we're on the topic, here's an interesting sociological phenomenon: men don't use toilet paper when they pee. They'll use it for everything else of course; blow their nose, clean their ears... we'll even use it to dry our hands if the paper towels are gone. But it would never occur to us to "dab off" after peeing.

For me, the distraction is different depending on where I am. I read magazines at home, and do crosswords at work. I always use the same book to set my crosswords on, a small paperback biography of Van Gogh that my mom got me for my birthday several years ago (I'm sure she'll be happy to know I still use it so regularly... no pun intended). I also use the same pencil every time, and I invariably place it behind my ear. It occurred to me the other day how utterly disgusting this is. I always put a toilet seat protector down when I use the bathroom at work, a friend of mine told me once that since we work in a white collar office building with other reasonably intelligent, well-educated people, he didn't feel the need to protect himself from our floormates... I reminded him that I've gone to lunch with exactly that sort of person often enough to know how they eat. And I choose the protector. Every time.

Not to get bogged down in tangents, but one thing I really hate is to go into the bathroom at work, have nobody in there so I can get the good stall, get all prepared, put down the paper protector, sit down... and the seat's warm. I just don't like to be reminded of all the other people who use that same toilet all day. It's like eating a hotdog; I enjoy eating hotdogs. I think they're tasty. And I have a tacit understanding with my brain and my gut that, as long as none of us actively consider what it actually is that the body is consuming, we don't have to worry about it. Warm toilet seats are like that. There's no way to get around the awful truth.

But anyways, it occurred to me how ludicrous it was to use a toilet seat protector but stick a pencil that I've used to do crosswords while going poop, probably a few thousand times by now, behind my ear every time I go. Terrible, really. That's the only word for it.

I wish I had a solution, but I don't. I've started putting the pencil in my pocket instead of behind my ear, but it's very inconvenient and I'm worried I'll forget about it and sit on the pencil. And the only thing I can think of that would be worse than sticking a #2 pencil behind my ear is having it pierce my skin.